By Brandy Browne
Listen, I have been a parent for ten years now, and I still find myself saying things on a daily basis that I never thought would need to be said out loud. Most of these range in your typical “ewwwwwww….don’t eat that” category, but here is a list of ten comedic moments that never fail to make me giggle…
- Just the other day, my smallest smashed her middle finger. I mean, of course it was the middle finger, because we are golden comedy around here. She holds it up for me to examine, and like any good mom, I keep my sarcastic comments to myself. My ten year old daughter, though, just can’t. This hilarious conversation ensues. Grace, to Kenz: “You know you are holding up the middle finger, right? You’re flipping me off!” Kenz, squealing, “Noooooo! It hurts!” Matt, my seven year old, pipes up, “Well, I’ll hold up the Spanish middle finger.” He holds up his INDEX finger. Me, confused, “Dude…Spanish people have the same middle finger you do, you know.” Grace: “Well, Chinese people have a different middle finger. — told me so.” She holds up her pinky. I, unable to contain myself at this point, burst into laughter. “No, y’all, everyone everywhere has the same middle finger. It’s called the middle finger because it is in the middle!” This prompted a phone call to my husband so we could laugh at our children together, like the good parents we are.
- Once upon a time, my oldest was a ballerina. We were packing her ballet bag with a couple water bottles. I wandered off and left her to finish getting dressed. As I go outside, I strike up a conversation with the neighbor. Sweet Grace comes barreling out the door to tell me, “Mommy! I packed grown up drinks for you!” She then pulls out two bottles of beer out of her little pink ballet bag. Listen, honey, they are going to frown if Mommy pops the top in the ballet waiting room.
- When my son was younger, he had chronic ear infections, which delayed his speech development a bit. He was obsessed with clocks. Unfortunately, he could not articulate the “l” sound. You can imagine the looks I got for a few years until he learned to make the appropriate sound for “l.”
- At one point, we had turtles for pets. Sweet Matt for the win again. I look over when he was about two, and I see Tuck the Turtle squirming. I watch in horror as it takes my son less than a second to put Tuck in his mouth. “No!!! We do not eat the turtle!”
- This one is on me…the last few weeks of grad school and teaching virtually have me needing serious zzzzz’s…one night at 1:00 A.M., my daughter woke me up because she couldn’t sleep. I was so out of it I told her to just log on to her google meet already. She got so frustrated with me. “MOM! It’s the middle of the night! I don’t have a meeting…I can’t sleep! What’s wrong with you?” I’m exhausted, child…between y’all and the dogs needing to potty, momma gets no sleep.
- Did anyone know that after rabbits mate, the male just falls over temporarily paralyzed? I had to explain to the kids that Oreo (sweet male bunny) was not dead, just, ahem, excited, one morning about 7:00 AM. It was wayyyy too early for that business.
- To my youngest, who loves swiping my phone to get her fill of communication…”Kenz, if you send any more voice to text messages from my phone, you are going to be in so much trouble!” In one day, she sent messages to my boss, my running/venting partner, and my sister telling everyone to “hit her up on the voice messages cause she can’t read yet.” Y’all, she is five. We are riding the hot mess express train.
- Last spring, Matt was climbing on something he was not supposed to be climbing on (go figure). Well, he fell, and we ended up getting four staples in his head. Ten days later, we were back to get them removed, and he picked up one of my grad school books titled “Why don’t we listen better?” He read to me in the lobby. As we were waiting to get his staples out. Because he didn’t listen to me. Ironic, yes?
- I overheard my son tell his cousin, “Don’t be such a chicken s@!t, Jake…you won’t drown!” in regards to swimming across our pond this summer. First of all, get out o the pond. Second, it was dad’s turn to #batterup because that is all on him.
- This is my best “why I am late” reason. We have chickens. A couple weeks ago, one got in my car when I left the window down. Cue all the kids and I running around the car trying to get a good grip on the flapping, flying chicken. Me: “Get the damn chicken out of the car! I’m late!” Matt, always brave: “Mom! Maybe you should have rolled up your window! Then, we wouldn’t be in this mess!” Boy…just get that chicken before I find some very unpleasant chores for you!
This is just a snippet of our chaotic, comedic life. There is always something crazy going on, but it’s never boring. #mysliceofcrazy